Maris hadn't slept a wink the night before. Insomnia was an old enemy, one that liked to resurface from time to time but the entire pack of cigarettes she'd smoked on her hotel balcony was a sure sign something was wrong.

Not that Rory knew anything about those, or much about the last 48 hours in general. Deep down, she'd always known the conversation she'd finally had with her father was going to end badly.

Because things already had.

There was no nice way to explain why a mother left their child. Maris didn't feel any better now that she knew the reason, because in a way, the reason was her.

And deep down, Maris had always known that too.

She knew she couldn't judge Christina (because that was all she was to her, in Maris' mind, mom was a word reserviced for people who had earned that title). It wasn't her fault that pregnancy, then motherhood had hit her hard. John had tried to explain, gently that she thought leaving was best, but that sort of thing hardly mattered to the one person most effected by being left behind.

Okay, so she was sick. So were plenty of other mothers. They stayed.

So why hadn't hers?

She checked out as early as she could, not even using the time before her flight to pick up certain things they just couldn't find in Europe like she'd promised Rory.

She wanted to get the hell out of New York, just like her mother had.

What if she was just like her?

The thought had occurred to her often, long before this. She wasn't quite as quiet and withdrawn as her father. She had faint freckles, curly hair that couldn't have come from him. Once, when he was angry after she'd given him a bit of teenage sass he'd said she thought she knew everything, just like her mother. He seemed to regret it, after. Maris had worn it as a badge of honor at the time and not just because it made her mother sound cool. It wasn't often that her dad gave her a piece of the puzzle that was her mother.

She suddenly understood why. She hated the full picture now that she had it.

Able to hop an earlier flight, Maris arrived before Rory could pick her up at the airport. Since she only had one bag to carry inside, she slipped out of her taxi and into the house fairly easily, automatically adjusting her black beanie once she leaned her suitcase against the couch and wandered off in search of Rory.

While Rory did have a tendency to get into her own head over some things and dwell or obsess, she wasn't someone who often let it completely take over. Logic ruled her mind, and so she'd often talk herself out of feeling overwhelmed or upset or worrying.

That was easier to do with her wife around, and easier still when who she was worrying over was anything but her wife. She already hated being apart from Maris, especially with big things to do in the two days her wife was gone. The interview had gone well, or so she really did think, and her doctor's appointment had been a little nerve wracking, but also fine? Puttering around their big empty house alone lost a lot of it's fun when she was alone.

The lack of texts had been worrisome. Rory tried to remind herself that there was a big time difference, and that Maris' days were filled with things to do, and seeing her friends ... but still something felt off in the pit of her stomach.

She hadn't slept much herself the night before, dozing a little here and there, but waking up and reaching for the other side of the bed only to remember when lucidity crept in that her wife was an ocean away. Rory had always considered herself an independent person, but here she was, pining for her wife.

She'd gotten up early because she hadn't really been asleep, glancing at the clock, counting down the minutes (and therefore making them tick by slower) until she needed to be off to the airport. She was in the kitchen making some more coffee when she heard the telltale sound of the door. Her heart jumped slightly, but didn't think a burglar would be so polite about shutting the door -- or have a key.

Rounding the corner, everything in her felt soft and warm at the sight of her wife. "Baby, you're home?" She didn't waste a second to quickly close the space between them and wrap up her wife in her arms, clinging a little tighter than usual. "You should have called me, I'd have come get you!"

Maris had a tendency to run when things got intense, her past relationships (including the first portion of her one with Rory) were proof of that. Her first instinct was to get out of New York as quickly as possible, never mind the fact that some things could never be unlearned. A change of scenery was bound to help. Anywhere would have been better, but since she was heading home to Rory, there had been moments during her flight where she thought things just might be okay when she got there.

Rory was the best sort of distraction, after all. It was hard to think of anything else when she was in the room and Maris had plenty more on her plate before she'd headed to New York. The house needed looking after, so did their finances, especially if the job didn't come through, but looking after Rory well, that was always top priority.

Maris didn't shirk her responsibilities and abandon her partner like some people.

God, she hoped not.

The same part of her that tried, in vain to focus on the best thing she had going for her was also was sure everything would be okay when she was back in her arms.

And it was. It felt nice, safe, the way it always did, but no matter how hard Maris closed her eyes she couldn't quiet her brain.

A running theme over the past 24 hours or so.

She pulled back slowly, offering her wife a kiss and a slightly weak smile she hoped could be written off as the result of a long flight.

"What? And ruin the element of surprise?" She may have been doing poorly, but Rory looked the same, which meant she looked as beautiful as ever, so Maris tapped, then tipped up her chin with her thumb to get a better look at her. "What have you been up to while I've been gone, huh?"

Some couples could handle plenty of time apart, and maybe even had been able to in that initial honeymoon phase, too. But not them. Rory felt an ache in her begin to subside the moment her wife was back in her arms. Another version of herself years ago wouldn't believe that she was like this with anyone. She wasn't this dependent on someone else, wasn't filled with an ache when she didn't have someone in her arms - but it was all about the right one. Her wife in her arms after a couple of days felt like it might as well have been a week or a month. She should have known it would feel that way considering how it felt the night before their wedding.

Rory kissed her back, softly, but the grip of concern on her chest didn't really go away in the slightest. If she were able to read anyone, she'd venture to say it was certainly her wife.

"Well it's a really good surprise." She affirmed, her hands on Maris' hips to keep her close. "Oh you know, pining after my wife like a full on Austen novel." She joked, but it wasn't really far off.

Rory studied Maris' face, more concerned with her than anything she'd gotten up to in the last couple of days. "You didn't text much, honey. Did everything go okay? I worried."

"Oh, so you just stood around in an empty field looking pensive while the wind whipped around your hair? Seems fun," she teased. They both knew she wasn't as into Austen as her wife, but even that seemed more fun than the past few days Maris had. She would have taken dullness or even more longing as opposed to what she'd just put herself through.

It was sort of her fault, wasn't it? She'd always known not to ask for the full story of her mother's exit. Why else would she have put it off for so long?

Some questions were better left unanswered.

"Yeah, just... a lot of stuff going on, darling," she said with a bit of a sigh, comforted by the fact that she wasn't lying. "Everyone asked about you. I told them the house is great, but sort of sidestepped everything on the work front." Maris hadn't let everyone know they were still looking, or even that they both had interviews that seemed promising. She just let everyone assume they were already sorted on the employment front knowing her loved ones, especially her father and Eli, were prone to worry.

When she pulled off her beanie, her hair was unruly and hat hair wasn't the only culprit. Maris, understandably distracted hadn't bothered straightening her hair that morning, so it fell in faint waves that were somewhat squashed down as she plopped down on the couch, resting her head back against it.

"Did the cats behave while I was gone?"

"That's exactly what I did. I have a newfound respect for Keira Knightley." Rory smirked, glad that her wife was teasing her. Rory did have a deep love for Austen, and certainly making London their home spurred that on all the more so. But really, that kind of longing wasn't far off from how she felt in her heart. Not to be so dramatic about it, but she had desperately missed her wife.

She still worried, even as Maris sunk into her embrace, only slightly assuaged by her assurance. "I'm sure, and that's a long flight." Her stomach tightened a little at the mention of the jobs they were waiting to hear from. She hadn't even really had the chance to talk to Maris about her interview, which just felt weird, considering every day they knew just about everything that went on. That might have been the most unsettling part, that they had to play catch up for a couple of days. Not that she minded sitting and talking about everything. "I miss them too, we'll have to make another trip over there sometime when we can."

Rory followed her wife to the couch, sitting close to her, cross legged and facing Maris as she gathered her hand in her own. "Oh you know, Emma was sassy, and the boys were trouble makers." She reached one hand over to brush her fingers through her wife's hair, dragging her fingertips in gentle strokes against her scalp.

"I missed you babe. Our bed is way too big without you."

Maris' lip twitched into a sad smile. "I know," she whispered, fondness for her wife dripping into her voice.

Sleep had been a problem even before her father's revelations made that impossible. She couldn't seem sleep without Rory anymore, something that alarmed and comforted her all at the same time.

When had she gotten so soft?

She unconsciously leaned into her wife's touch, her body seeming to sense that she needed to be soothed. The knowledge that things had gone on the same as ever and that there three cats meant that Rory hadn't really been alone in a house that was a little too big for just them was a comfort too.

Two days ago she had been sure the empty rooms they needed to fill were yet another reason why starting a family was a great idea, one she hoped would come to fruition sooner rather than later, but now...

"How did your interview go?" she asked after a beat of not entirely uncomfortable, but also not very familiar, especially after a bit of time apart, silence. "Did Katie interview you? She did mine and I thought she was alright."

Earlier, they had thought that Rory would be able to go with Maris to New York, and the gut-punch that had been their separation was only softened by the prospect of a new job. Not just for her, but for them. Rory now just really hoped that it would come through. She didn't want to get ahead of herself, but she couldn't help but think about it.

She felt calmer now with Maris beside her, the warmth of her body and the sound of her voice. The way the depth of it seemed to resonate deeply in Rory's chest. As though there was a tether between their hearts.

"Oh, I think it went really well? With Katie, yeah." She smiled, brushing her fingers down her wife's neck, over her skin and to her shoulder. God, she really had missed her. "We went down a bit of a classic literature rabbit hole, so maybe that was a good thing?" She shrugged, hoping and yet trying not to get her hopes up so high. "We should find out soon, I hope. I've just been pacing around like a madwoman between that and waiting for you to come home."

While Katie seemed friendly and much nicer than most of the people Maris had dealt with during her job search, their interview had been filled with the usual small talk before getting down to business. For a moment, she wondered if not chatting with the other woman meant she hadn't liked her and thus wanted the interview done as quickly as possible. Worry didn't have much of a chance to settle in though, because Maris vaguely remembered something about Katie being an English teacher before she got an administrative position. Her conversation with Rory made sense.

Slight panic subsiding, it was easier to focus on Rory's touch and remember just how long she had gone without it.

The idea they somehow gone years without each other seemed impossible now.

Wait, had she kissed Rory when she arrived? Maris couldn't remember, a sure sign she wasn't entirely present. Half her thoughts were still bits and fragments of her conversation in New York and she immediately felt guilty for it.

She leaned up to kiss her, hand automatically cupping her wife's jaw. Maris wanted Rory to know that she missed her but she also couldn't think of a better distraction.

When it came to interviews or really just any social interaction, Rory had the tendency to lean into the easy conversation she knew she could nail. The second that she'd clocked a few of the books that seemed to have a place of honor behind Katie on her shelf, she knew exactly where to direct the conversation. Rory often had a lot of trouble actually talking about herself or worse yet, selling herself in such a way for interviews, so any angle she could actually take on was better.

She just hoped she would get it, and they both would be teaching at this school that frankly seemed perfect. Sure, they'd probably encounter some characters they didn't like, but that would just be fodder for their late night talks and inside jokes. God, the fact alone that Maris wanted to teach again made her giddy just to be able to spend her days with her like that again.

Rory had been so concerned and surprised to see Maris, she too had forgotten in the moment she clung to her wife if she had kissed her yet, either. It was just such a relief to see her, even in her worry.

The second their lips touched, it felt like Rory could breathe again, even if the opposite were true. Her fingers curled in the front of Maris' shirt, the other still tangled in her hair as she leaned into her and kissed her deeply. She had a lot more to tell her, and beyond the interview what went on with the doctor, but at present all she could think about was how good her wife's lips tasted. "There's my girl." She hummed into her lips as she stole a breath, barely parting at all as she tugged Maris towards her, pulling her gingerly into her lap. She kissed her deeply again, tipping her chin and humming a little sound against her lips. "Fuck I really missed you."

Maris settled into Rory's lap almost immediately, using her body and their current closeness to press her wife back against the couch. The kiss quickly deepened, Maris taking Rory's face in both hands like she wanted to make sure she was really there before gently letting it go so her hands could wander. They quickly made their way down her wife's stomach, pushing up her shirt once Maris shrugged off her winter jacket and let it hit the floor with a pretty unceremonial plop behind them.

Maris probably should have been a bit more careful. Her hands were ice cold from being outdoors, her gloves forgotten in her top dresser drawer.

She'd borrowed a pair of her father's during her trip, but they too big and had a tendency to slide off so she hadn't taken John's offer to keep them so she had something to wear home.

Maris' hands were cold, but Rory was warm and Maris wanted to lose herself in that feeling.

Maris wasn't a sexual person because of astrology, or even because it was fun and felt good. It wasn't even because of the ego boost that came with knowing you were wanted, though she was definitely needed that feeling now more than ever now that her talk with her father reminded her that the most important person in her life hadn't wanted her at all.

Not that she'd ever really forgotten.

No, Maris liked the way it didn't make her think. The gears in her brain were always turning which was probably another reason why she had so much trouble falling asleep.

Sex was about instinct. Feeling rather than thinking and even though Maris would still be the first to argue that emotions weren't her thing, she liked that it made her surrender to them.

She'd never been more eager to shut her brain up.

Maris tugged Rory's shirt over her head, lips almost immediately finding her collarbone as her hands fumbled for the back of her bra.

"Show me," she murmured as her fingers made quick work of the clasp and let the back of it spring open. "How much you missed me."

Rory felt charged the moment their lips touched, but beyond that, there was something at the back of her mind that made her seek out Maris all the more so. She'd missed her desperately, but the lack of texting each other still hung heavy on her mind. She knew her wife, she knew how to read her pretty well by now, and something told her that there was just something beyond being tired. Something off.

So Rory felt the need to pour even more of herself into her wife, if that was even possible considering she gave her whole self to her every single time.

Their bodies spoke volumes when words failed them - and words rarely did. Their sex was intense, every time, even the lazy, slow kind they'd get up to in the middle of the night. Every time felt like her soul was splitting open just to welcome her wife into her. That was what she craved now.

But it was Maris' words that struck something primal in Rory. As her shirt and bra fell away from them, her own hands slid up beneath Maris' shirt and dragged up over her skin. She made quick work of Maris' shirt, her lips seizing her neck to suck and kiss at her skin while she got her bra off.

In a swift but practiced movement, Rory shifted the two of them, leaning into her wife as she used her hips to pin her down to their green couch they loved so much. Maris had a request, and Rory was going to deliver, and then some. She hummed a moan against Maris' skin as she dragged open mouthed kisses down her chest, her eyes casting upwards to look at her wife's face as her mouth closed over one of her nipples. Her hands were busy, undoing her pants and tugging them down off of her hips, a kind of pointed rush to just get to her wife the way she needed her.

Maris let out a soft huff as she was pinned, then a whimper as Rory took her breast into her mouth. Her hand slid down to slip in her hair, but she held her firmly, not just because she always had a slight possessive streak, but because she craved closeness more than ever.

Her hips lifted even after Rory got her pants off, eyes dark as she watched her wife's mouth at work, the sight making her panties just a little bit wetter than they had been moments before. Her hand slid further down, slipping through her wife's long hair in the process until it came to a stop at the nape of her neck and gripped it hard, using it and Rory's surprise to pull her up and give her the kind of kiss that had their lips crashing together.

Rory always felt like a woman possessed when she had her hands on her wife. The moment the two of them connected and those sparks of intent flew between them, she couldn't think of much at all. Too many hours without her wife had left her wildly needy, a kind of craving for her wife that came out so fast it would have alarmed her if it wasn't a feeling she already loved. That added knowledge that her wife needed her, that gut feeling just gave her an even bigger boost.

Skilled hands made quick work of getting her pants off, tossing them wherever and settling herself between her wife's thighs. Her soft flannel pants could come off later. She huffed a little sound as her mouth came free from Maris' nipple with a soft pop, her mouth instantly parting against her wife's so her tongue could seek out hers. She groaned into her mouth, her hand moving between their bodies so she could press her palm to her wife's pussy. Her moan became more guttural, primal as she dragged her fingers over the wet folds that greeted her, no hesitation as she began to rub the space just around her wife's clit. "Fuck," She growled against her wife's lips, pulling back for breath as she flashed a wicked grin.

That first bit of contact, especially after going so long (in Maris and Rory time, anyway) without it caused her to cry out, a sharp departure from the way Maris usually tried to keep it cool when they first got going even though she always wanted her wife a little too much.

The last few days had been an exercise in not breaking and she hadn't. Not around her father or Jenna and Eli at the quick, spur of the moment brunch they insisted on a few hours before they left. Maris really didn't want to go, but also knew she'd ultimately regret not seizing the opportunity to spend time with her friends while she still could.

The look she gave Rory said she was ready to fall apart in a much more pleasant way and that she would let her wife be the one to break her.

She let out an uncharacteristically breathy, girly sound as she was teased, Rory's fingers so close, yet so far from the most sensitive part of her.

She caught her lips again as she panted softly for more, dark eyes never leaving Rory's own as they said what her mouth didn't need to: Fuck me.

It had been too long. Rory didn't know how couples could go days, weeks without touching each other, much less being those types who actually scheduled once a week sex or whatever. Rory craved her wife so much of the time, like there was this constant humming just beneath everything else that only took the slightest twitch of fingers to turn that dial loud. Two nights without her wife had been too many. She could tell by how Maris reacted that the sentiment was a shared one.

Rory knew that there would be time later to talk, for her to fill Maris in, for Maris to fill her in on everything that had gone on in New York. Right now their bodies were doing the talking enough.

That sound that came from her wife earned a sighed moan of her own, a surge of adrenaline racing up her spine as she began to rub a little harder, barely letting her fingers touch her wife's clit.

She kissed her wife hard, her tongue finding hers instantly. But she parted soon after, breathless and almost desperate. Her wife's look spoke volumes indeed, and so Rory made quick work, kissing her way down Maris' body, kissing and nipping at her skin until her hand gripped one of her thighs and hooked it over her shoulder.

Her gaze cast upwards as her tongue found Maris' clit, the first real contact as she moaned and slowly started to lap at her wife's pussy.

Maris' heart skipped a beat as Rory brought a leg over her shoulder and pulled her closer to her mouth. She cried out again as her clit was finally brushed, hips eagerly bucking for more until she took a deep breath to center herself, not just because she didn't want to hurt Rory or catch her off guard when she was just getting started, but because she didn't wanna rush.

She let out a deep mmm... as her hand automatically found its way in Rory's hair once more, stroking it at the same pace as her tongue stroked her clit.

Maris free hand was gripping the arm of the couch. The green velvet was soft, which was yet another reason why Maris liked fucking on what was now their couch as much as she did, but it wasn't overly cushy, particularly in the arms. Maris' fingers curled round the velvet, keenly aware of the hard wood underneath. It creaked ever so slightly with her movements, her grip, which was increasingly tight because she needed something to brace herself against, was turning her knuckles white.

She didn't speak. She sort of didn't trust herself too. Too much had happened while they were apart and she wasn't ready to darken their doorstep with it just yet.

She didn't want or need to, really.

Gasps and sighs that were quickly turning to sobs of pleasure told Rory everything she needed to know.

That Maris needed her and above all else, she was happy to be home.

Seemingly waiting for the moment she was, a faint but audible rain shower started outside. Sure, it was England and Maris had already had to invest in a slightly thicker every day jacket to fend off the damp that came with near constant drizzle, but it was fitting in more ways than one.

Rain was their thing. It had been from that very first night they spent together. To be poetic about it, it felt like the skies opened up in celebration of them finding each other. Every time it rained now, it gave Rory goosebumps. Lucky for them, they moved to a place where it rained a lot.

Rory barely registered it now though. Her focus was entirely on her wife and earning more of those sounds, more of her hand tugging at her hair, more of her juices running down her chin.

Moaning against her wife's pussy, her fingers dug into the flesh of her thigh as she leaned in, lifting her ass just a little off of the couch as she drove her tongue inside of her. She felt like a woman possessed, utterly driven by her need for Maris.

Her mouth tore away a few moments later, lungs burning and wanton grin on her lips. "Fuck I love you." She panted, her teeth bearing down and nipping at Maris' thigh as she slid two fingers inside of her. She hummed a little sound of her own at the wet warmth that greeted her there, before her mouth returned to her wife's clit, sucking fervently as she began to fuck her in earnest.

Maris' voice caught in her throat, hand gripping Rory's hair just a little bit tighter as her clit was sucked, her moans taking a turn toward guttural.

Rain clouds rolling in did more than just provide a pleasant soundtrack, they blocked the sun and when you had as many windows as Rory and Maris did, that meant the room suddenly felt much cooler. Maris' nipples were hard, aching from the chill and just plain arousal, her tits bouncing ever so slightly as she worked her body against her wife's hands, lips and tongue.

She came in slow waves, her body not quite ready to let go of the tension she'd drawn inward over the last few days, but it trembled despite itself, Maris' head falling back against the couch as she let out a throaty chuckle as the last little aftershock buzzed through her.

She let out a sound of almost relief. She never doubted Rory's ability to please her, but it was nice to know that her current mood hadn't gotten in the way of this.

This was the same as ever and at present, the only thing that occupied her mind. Maris was calm, light and still again. Of course, nothing would make her feel more herself than fucking her wife the way she deserved to be fucked. If anything she was even more into giving her wife pleasure than being on the receiving end of it, but she was tired in so many senses of the word.

She needed Rory close, so she pulled her back up onto the sofa, fingers wiping away some of the come glistening on Rory's chin before she tipped it up for a kiss that would allow her to share the taste.

As Rory recognized the telltale signs of her wife's imminent orgasm, she redoubled her efforts, but made sure they were not frantic, instead deliberate, not a wasted stroke of her tongue or thrust of her fingers. She couldn't help but moan as her hazed-over eyes gazed up at her wife. She was legitimately the most beautiful sight she'd ever seen. time and again.

Her free hand managed to reach upwards and squeeze one of her wife's breasts, feeling her nipple hard against her palm only making her lick a little faster.

It was a marvel, that moment she felt her wife's release, the taste of her flooding her tongue and earning an almost whine of pleasure from deep in her throat. The way she missed her was something palpably felt, and now she made her wife know with her actions.

When she finally pulled back, her chest heaved with labored breath, a dopey grin on her face as she kissed her way back up her wife's body when urged to do so. Slowly, she slid her fingers out of Maris, her lips peppering noisy kisses on her neck before she met her lips.

She kissed her deeply, if a little sloppy, her hips settling between her wife's thighs so their breasts pressed against each other. Holding her so close, Rory felt warm and home, even if she hadn't been the one to go anywhere. "Welcome home baby." She hummed softly, her forehead resting against her wife's for an extra moment. She kissed her cheeks, slowly one then the other. As if she wanted to re-memorize every inch of skin.

There was a time when they got together the first time around when Maris wouldn't have indulged even Rory this. Soft, lazy kisses between rounds because she wanted to appear anything but needy.

She still wasn't as soft as she could have been and often felt, but she needed her wife now, lips catching Rory's once, then twice before she cupped her face in both hands and started kissing her again. She appreciated the welcome, both verbal and otherwise, but she didn't want to talk right now.

Still unsure of what she'd say when she finally did or how she'd even bring up what she and her father had talked about while she was away, Maris kept her mouth busy. The kiss broke and she suddenly rose from the couch, pulling Rory with her toward the bedroom even though her legs still didn't feel entirely solid.

Even landing on their bed together felt like a small comfort, one Maris didn't realize how much she missed, but she was too busy to revel in the feeling of soft sheets that had been worth every penny she and Rory had invested in them. She was between her wife's legs in an instant, lips brushing her clit with a feather light kiss before her tongue smoothed over it then started to lap, fingers automatically curling around Rory's thigh to keep her in place as she moaned softly, letting more of her drip onto her tongue.

In between the breathless, slightly messy and entirely needy kisses Rory and Maris gave each other, there was that nagging at the back of her mind that something might be off. She chalked it up to the two days they were without each other, that always threw off her own equilibrium. And she was more than happy to allow Maris to dictate exactly what they were doing.

The way her wife cupped her face and kissed her had Rory melting into her, kissing her until her lungs ached and goosebumps spread all over her skin. Her breath expelled from her lungs in a rough huff of sound when Maris slipped away from her, but she didn't hesitate to follow. A soft laugh came from her as she followed, keeping close and stealing a kiss or two along the way.

With the rest of her clothes shed and anticipation swelling in her gut and spreading warmth through the rest of her, her focus remained ever on her wife. Rory barely had full time to register or adjust to what was happening before all she knew was searing pleasure racing up her spine. Her wife knew exactly what she needed, exactly how to move her mouth. "Fuck," She gasped, her voice a whine as she rocked gently into her wife's mouth.

Maris' grip slowly tightened, partly in an effort to bring her wife closer to her mouth, but mostly because she needed to feel her, warm, solid and there under her fingertips.

Her tongue made a faint, slick and slightly addictive sound as it flicked at her wife's clit, occasionally slipping lower to taste and stroke every inch of her.

Eventually Maris' fingers joined the fray, sliding inside her for the sort of deep thrusts that meant they had to fuck slowly. She pressed her body against Rory's as she did, hips against the back of her hand like they were what was controlling her movements. Lips still glistening with Rory's arousal brushed her throat, little moans buzzing against the soft skin she found there as Maris started rocking against her hand too.

Rory gave herself entirely to her wife every single time, but this time she felt the strength of that. She always trusted Maris to please her, sometimes even with more intensity than she was prepared for. The way that Maris licked her pussy, taking great care to give her exactly what her wife knew she loved sent shivers up and down her spine.

"That's my girl," She purred, her hips rocking as their noises and sounds filled the room around them.

Her hips jerked harshly as Maris' fingers slid inside of her, the kind of pleasure that overwhelmed her beginning to mount. "Kiss me." She whined pathetically but didn't even care how wanton she sounded. She kissed her wife heartily, moaning at the taste of herself on her lips as she rocked harder, seeking out more pressure, deeper thrusts. "Fuck me baby, fuck me." She repeated, her plea against her wife's ear as she pressed her fingers into her wife's back and neck, gripping a handful of her hair.

She gasped into Rory's mouth as her hair was pulled, licking her wife's tongue the same way she'd licked her pussy, but soft little sighs quickly turned into grunts as Maris kept putting the effort in and her whole body into it. Her hand wasn't just fucking Rory, after all, even if her wife's pleasure was her main focus. She was using it to fuck herself, too, sure another orgasm would keep gathering clouds away for just a little while longer.

But then grunts became whines as she felt the telltale pulses that let her know both of them were about to come.

"We've got it. Work with me, darling, yeah...."

She pressed into Rory harder, pinning her to the bed as she thrusted and rubbed against her hand with all she had left, spilling all over the back of it while Rory clamped down on those same fingers.

The way her wife fucked her always, always kept her yearning to give her back just as much, aching to feel every ounce of pleasure and effort her wife was giving her. Rory wanted Maris to feel the exact same, and when she fucked her like this, she knew she would. Rory watched her with lust-filled eyes, her hips working in time with Maris'. She knew her orgasm was imminent, she felt it burning its way through her as her thighs began to tremble, her heels digging into the bed to push back into Maris.

"That's it, that's my girl." She purred, her voice pitching in a tone that almost didn't sound like herself in her own ears. She didn't care, she was a being of pure desire and pleasure just focused on her one and only love.

She felt it. She knew that Maris was close, and she knew as the telltale signs of her wife's orgasm hit. Her own rushed after, her pussy squeezing Maris' fingers as she cried out, coming hard as the whole of her shook with the intensity of it. It was almost insane, how much just two days made her miss her wife so much her orgasm seemed to hit harder than it might have otherwise.

Rory panted, releasing her grip on Maris' hair just enough to slide her arms around her wife and pull her down on top of her, kissing her deeply, breathlessly.

She was still once she collapsed, though the sound of Maris trying to catch her breath mingled with the sound of the rain, now just trickling off their roof and into the yard as their lips met.

Slight curves flattened against Rory's as she sprawled out on top of her, eventually resting their foreheads together when her lungs couldn't take the burn anymore.

"We have groceries, right?" she teased, voice still slightly thick as she let their noses brush. "Because I don't think I'm letting you out of this bed any time soon."

There was a stillness, a peace that settled in once Maris had collapsed and Rory had done the same beneath her. She clung to her wife, breathing so ragged and rough she wasn't sure she'd be able to catch her breath for a while. It didn't matter though, she wanted to kiss her wife, lungs be damned.

She relaxed some beneath her wife, her thighs parting more as she went slack beneath her. She kissed the bridge of her nose, a tender moment as her fingertips dragged up her spine.

"Mmhm, we do. I went to the store yesterday. I got you oreos." She smirked, nudging her wife with her knee. She'd gone after her doctor's appointment, but Rory didn't want to bring up anything that would even distract from holding her wife tightly against her. "Keep me, I missed you." She huffed in her own thick voice, kissing her again, slowly. She smiled into her lips, breaking apart a moment later. "The weather even wanted to welcome you home."

Maris groaned a little as she finally got settled in a position that seemed comfortable for the two of them: right between her wife's thighs.

"We're the only people I know who actually hope for rain," she said.

It had rained her first night in New York, but Maris wasn't as subtly charged as she usually was by it.

All it had done was make her think of Rory.

It was the sort of thing she should probably tell her in a sweet, quiet moment like this one. Maris probably wasn't the only one who needed to hear she'd been missed, but New York was the last thing she wanted to talk or think about.

There were other ways to show how happy she was to be back in their bed with a fresh pack of Oreos in the kitchen.

She stroked Rory's cheek with her thumb, tracing lines she'd memorized a thousand times over. "I don't want to do that again," she said finally. "We should make some sort of pact or something. To not spend more than a night apart."

"Luckily we moved to a place where there's plenty of rain." Rory grinned, hugging her thighs around her wife's sides and her arms around her middle. Holding her was something she missed almost as much as everything else.

Her chest constricted with the utter softness of Maris' words, and also just how much she'd longed for her over the past couple of days. "Yes, I want to make that pact." She agreed, nodding as she leaned up and kissed her wife's cheek, and then her lips. "Even one night is pushing it, okay?" Sure there would be a night here or there that they couldn't avoid, but Rory was just fine with admitting how needy she was with her wife.

"One night, tops. Missing you so much is unbearable." She added a little pout as she said it, but she wasn't kidding. "I hated being in this big house without you. I talk to myself a lot when you're not here." She laughed softly, reaching her fingers up to brush through Maris' hair. "Wives are not meant to be apart."

"Some wives are," Maris joked, either because they were toxic or the codependent lesbian cliche which she sometimes thought was even worse, but she knew that wasn't the case for her and Rory. Thanks to their break up (not that either of them ever called it that) they'd sort of gotten their alone time all at once.

There probably wouldn't be many reasons for them to be apart unless they wanted to be. They were in the same profession. If things went in their favor, they'd be at the same school, never needing to stray far from each other even on the work front.

New York had made Maris feel alone, empty in ways that had nothing to do with a lack of her wife's presence.

But she wasn't sure she wanted her there to see the aftermath of her father's revelations either. Even if Rory probably would have been a comfort to her.

She laced their fingers together, then brought the back of her wife's hand, specifically her ring finger to her lips. The soft slow kiss she placed to Rory's wedding band and knuckle was a silent acknowledgement that a deal had been struck.

But she offered up a quiet alright anyway.

Rory chuckled, tilting her head in agreement a little bit. "Uh huh." Honestly most couples were pretty annoying in one way or another. Even her coupled-up friends back in the states had the tendency to vent about each other to her or their other friends. Rory would just sort of chuckle to herself and think, can't relate.

The times they were apart were few and far between, but even then, having an idea of a plan in place felt right. If it meant they both had to take time off of work (assuming they both got jobs), or make other sacrifices just to make sure this was a promise they could keep, Rory was into it.

She just didn't feel right when she was away from her wife.

Her heart felt like it was expanding in her chest as Maris kissed her hand, her thumb brushing along Maris' jaw line and her chin. She leaned forward and kissed her wife again, slow and unhurried, her tongue softly sweeping over her lips. They had two days worth of things to tell each other, but she wanted to bask in the glow of having her wife back in her arms for just a little longer.

That drowsy, lazy feeling that always came with rain coupled with sheer exhaustion and before long, they drifted off to sleep.

Maris didn't stay that way for very long. She was slightly disappointed when she woke up, so sure that her wife would tire her out the way she always did. She had, of course and just being back in Rory's presence had soothed her somewhat, but now she was alone with her thoughts, even if she wasn't alone in body.

Maris didn't want to bring them to their bed.

She pulled on the first robe she could find, a fuzzy gray fleece one that Rory seemed to have washed in her absence before padding downstairs.

It had started raining again, the damp casting a chill over the house that had Maris wishing she hadn't left her slippers under the bed.

Remembering what Rory had told her, she poked around until she located the Oreos, wincing at just how loud the packaging was when she tried to open them.

She grabbed two, prepared to eat them (and probably a few more) as she wandered the house with no real direction in mind, but as she stopped in front of the nursery, her appetite was gone.

Having her wife back was all that she wanted. As they lay together, their breathing slowing and their bodies spent, Rory stayed awake a bit longer than Maris had. But she didn't mind it. Just the steady breathing of her wife beside her was a comfort, but without the near frantic desire and passion between them to distract her, Rory began to replay certain things in her mind, certain worries. Part of her mind told her she was being ridiculous but the other parts were shoving her towards her gut instincts.

Still, she fell asleep before too long, lulled there by the warmth of her wife's body and the steady breathing. Which was probably why she woke not long after Maris had left her. The atmosphere shifted around her when her wife was gone.

Blinking as she woke up, she pulled on a sweatshirt that actually belonged to Maris and her panties, not bothering with finding her pants even if it was cold. Blinking in the dark of their home, she padded around not long at all before she found her wife standing in the hall.

She regarded her a moment, a heavy feeling in the pit of her stomach. She wandered towards her, clearing her throat so she didn't startle her. "You're up." She murmured quietly, sliding her arms around her wife's middle and pressing her chest against Maris' back.

Resting her cheek against Maris' shoulder, she breathed her in, just holding her as if she could infer just maybe that might be what Maris needed. "Are you okay honey?" She asked quietly, her thumb gently rubbing against Maris' arm as she held onto her.

Maris was so lost in thought that Rory startled her anyway, but it didn't show. She relaxed into her. The fact that she'd called her honey, a rare especially tender, almost sacred nickname didn't go unnoticed.

And considering Maris wasn't about to tell Rory the whole truth, it made her feel sort of guilty.

"Yeah, just... the time difference and everything. New York's really messing with me."

Well, the last part definitely wasn't a lie.

Maris tore her eyes away from the nursery room door, then turned in Rory's arms to face her. "Oreo?" she offered softly holding one up with a faint smirk on her face.

Having Maris home made home actually felt like it. Even though she had that odd feeling at the back of her mind, she was more willing to ignore it because of how much better it felt to have her wife in her arms again.

But ignoring it wasn't really her forte, nor was it going to do either of them any good if something really was up.

"I hate that I wasn't there with you." She said it quietly, meaning more than just hating the distance that Maris' trip had put between them. Whatever New York had been, it was their first place, of a starting point, and she always felt like it sort of belonged to them. After all, their vows were said in New York.

"Thank you." She smirked and leaned a little closer to take the Oreo from her wife's fingers with her teeth. Her fingers brushed up and down Maris' back, setting her into her arms a little tighter. "Were you bringing us back snacks?" She smirked as she crunched the cookie. "These middle of the night rendezvous are definitely enhanced with chocolate."

I hate that I wasn't there with you.

The words didn't help Maris feel any less guilty, especially since her immediate reaction was: I'm glad you weren't.

The talk she'd finally had with her father had been decades in the making and some family secrets (though Maris had put together most of the pieces together pretty well on her own) were meant to stay between parent and child.

But there was more to it than that. It hurt. A person never really forgot that a parent wasn't in the picture the more time passed, it was easier to pretend they'd never existed at all.

Especially if they'd never really been around to miss.

Sure, at points Maris longed for a mother to teach her things, to commiserate on experiences that were uniquely female. Sometimes she'd watch friends or strangers with theirs and wondered what having one would be like but she'd done alright. Her father had done alright.

Bringing up Christine was like opening an old wound that she thought was healed.

Maris had never really let herself feel the pain that accompanied it before, but boy did she feel it now.

And Maris didn't like letting anyone, not even her wife know, she felt much of anything at all.

Maybe even especially Rory.

She wanted her to think she was strong enough to handle anything, to take care of her and whoever else came along just like she'd promised in her vows all those months ago.

But could she handle taking care of someone else? A child? Their child?

Her child if you wanted to get specific and scientific about it because god, did she want to carry a baby.

Her mother certainly hadn't.

What if it was genetic? She had been sick through no fault of her own. What if it was just down to Maris and Christina's apparently shared personality? John had said it himself, time and time again.

You're just like your mother.

"No," she said softly, sidestepping Rory's confession for a safer topic. "Was more of a selfish solo snack mission. I was going to let you sleep."

Maris needed to clear her head, but she had a feeling she wasn't the only one who had been missing out on sleep for the past few days.

"Can bring them upstairs, if you want," she said, breaking the silence after she simply let herself be held for a moment. Since ending up in front of the one room she least wanted to see or think about, Maris wasn't as keen on wandering around their house (something she often did when Rory was asleep or she was alone, a look of quiet contentment and pride on her face) as she had been moments before.

Rory knew her wife well enough to know not to push if and when Maris didn't want to talk about something, but that did make her instinctive worry a little more so.

She wondered if maybe it was grief over her grandfather, which obviously she understood. Maybe part of it was homesickness, or worry over whether they'd made the right choice to move to London with no jobs to speak of. All these little things that were worries she had herself, but could fester and grow in an instant.

Rory and Maris had very similar family situations if they stripped away a lot of the bigger details. But where Rory didn't really understand what it was like to have a father, she knew that there was a worse sort of pain that came from being without a mother, especially for a woman. While none of this was on her radar at present, it was something bound to come up, sooner or later.

Their lives were taking shape, their marriage had with it steps that they wanted to take, rooms to decorate and paint, jobs to get, trips to take. Together. That was the main point, always. Together.

"Sure we can, sweetheart." She nodded, but made no effort to move just yet. Rory just held onto Maris, her arms tight around her middle, as she bowed her head forward and rested her forehead against Maris'. She wanted to pour every ounce of love and peace she could into her wife, sensint she might need some of it.

After their nap after the welcome home kind of sex that left Rory exhausted, she wasn't so tired anymore. "Let's go to bed and we can talk if you want? I'm not really tired."

New York hadn't been all bad. It had started out fun. Maris stayed in a nice hotel then had cheesy potatoes and grits at her favorite soul food restaurant in Harlem. A waitress had even asked her how and where she had been as she refilled her coffee and fetched her another orange juice. I

t was strange to think she had been away from her hometown for two years. It was such a small amount of time in the grand scheme of things. Short enough for a woman she didn't really know to still remember her face, but Maris had lost her grandfather, moved, found Rory, married her, bought a house and moved again. The Maris that woman knew, however shallowly, hadn't wanted a wife. She certainly hadn't wanted kids. She hadn't known exactly why her mother left or...

Maris didn't want to go back to that. But she was beginning to wonder if it had been wise to ask her father about the past at all.

There were things a person was better off not knowing.

There were also other things for her and Rory to talk about. Happier, albeit shocking and borderline disturbing things so despite her lack of appetite, Maris grabbed the Oreos again, offering her wife her free hand so they could head upstairs.

It wasn't that Maris didn't appreciate Rory's affection. She was just so lost in her own head and convinced that she had a better poker face than she actually did (at least around Rory) that she wasn't sure of the reason for it. She just assumed that her wife had missed her and the extra glances and tighter hold were her way of showing it.

Maris shrugged off her fuzzy robe and quickly dove under the covers that had regrettably cooled while they were gone. She watched Rory slip into bed to join her, a faint smirk on her lips. "So I might have a bit of New York gossip."

Rory loved London, and their home here, and the life that they were building together, but she'd be lying if she said she didn't miss New York. New York had been one of the shortest periods of where she'd lived. California was home base, but New York was where her life really had begun. New York gave her Maris, it gave her the kind of love she was lucky enough to find once. And Maine had given that love back to her. Still, they had so many good memories in New York, and she loved the place.

She was glad that Maris had been able to spend some time there in New York, and see their loved ones there, but London was colder without her wife. They'd already talked about Rory's interview, and she felt like it had gone well, but part of her wondered if it could have gone just as well if she'd asked to take a later interview. No, because if someone else had come in and wowed the hiring staff before her, she'd never forgive herself.

Following Maris into their bedroom, Rory climbed into bed with her wife and tried not to just stare at her like she'd be able to decipher everything going on with her just by looking. She slid in directly after Maris, wrapping her arms around her wife despite the snack she'd brought in with them. She wanted to be close, and wanted to hold her wife. Whatever was weighing on her mind, she wanted Maris to know that she was there. "Oh do you? Spill it."

"Jenna and Eli-" Maris paused, her teeth sinking down into her lower lip as she second guessed herself. No. It was better not to give away the best part of the story at the very beginning.

So she started again.

"I was late showing up for lunch."

That was a surprise in and of itself. Maris was almost militantly early, especially in her hometown. She knew New York like the back of her hand, but she'd apparently forgotten how long it would take her to get to point A from point B since she'd been away so she'd arrived a little later than her friends.

And when she got there, it became very clear that Eli & Jenna had arrived together.

"So when I got there they were already sitting down on the same side of the booth like-" Maris trailed off for a moment, trying to think of the best way to describe it before deciding to just show her what she meant. She grabbed hold of Rory, draping an arm around her waist. It was a lose, casual, but somehow still affectionate and vaguely possessive hold. One that they often used when they were out.

Which was exactly the point. People didn't slide their arm around each other like that unless they were comfortable with each other. It was something that became automatic and was usually only reserved for relationships, something Maris was pretty sure her two best friends were in because...

"And he called her Jen when we were all talking."

She knew even Rory would understand how profound this was. Sure, it was just a nickname. A common, logical one for a person named Jenna, but Maris' friend was a bit overly formal and usually annoyed when someone she didn't know her very well just assumed they could call her it.

She'd snapped at people for doing it before.

Hell, Maris was pretty sure she'd seen Jenna yell at Eli for doing as much more than once, but something had obviously changed.

"They sort of slid apart when they noticed me walking up to the table, so if something is going on, I don't think they want me to know, so I didn't really say anything."

Rory listened intently as Maris told her story, trying not to get ahead of the plot as Maris spoke. She kind of wondered if it was going a certain way, and couldn't hide her surprise when Maris confirmed her own suspicions.

"Oh wow. Do they think you'd tease them mercilessly if they were together and you found out?" She smirked a little bit, giving Maris a playful squeeze. "I mean, I know not to call her Jen. And I feel like before he'd only do that to get a rise out of her?" Rory suddenly wished all the more that she had been there, sitting across the booth with her wife, nudging each other and taking mental notes so they could give each other a full debrief later.

Maybe the absence of Maris had drawn the two together, both missing someone the same way. Rory knew first hand what it was like to be without Maris, which really was a time in her life she'd rather erase altogether. If they'd found some solace with each other, maybe that was kind of a nice thing.

"Wow though. What do you think of that? I mean, if they are together or anything within that realm." It at very least seemed a step up from snapping at each other.

Eli & Jenna were Maris' favorite people (present company excluded). In theory, the two of them getting together should have made her ecstatic and on some level she was happy for them but it was mostly just weird.

The pair had never been close. The idea that bickering had somehow turned to affection was hard enough for Maris to wrap her head around but since Jenna and Eli were close to her, the two of them becoming a couple felt... vaguely incestuous?

But just because Maris viewed her two oldest friends as family didn't mean they saw each other that way.

God, she'd kill to know what had flipped that switch.

"I don't know if its a good idea," she said honestly. There was a clash of personalities to contend with but there was more to it than that. Both of her friends often complained that partners just didn't get how busy and demanding their jobs were. Eli was often on call, working long hours and frankly stressed once those hours were done. Jenna was married to her work and the travel that came along with it. In truth, she had never been the most emotionally available. In a shift in traditional gender roles, Eli was probably the more emotional of the two.

If things went badly it stood to reason Eli & Jenna's relationship would be even more antagonistic than it had been before they had presumably made nice, something that would be awkward for Maris even if she rarely saw them face to face anymore.

But she wanted them to be happy and her friends could be happy with each other well...

Maris shrugged. "She'll destroy him, but hey, maybe he'll soften her out. Eli always did like them a little bitchy."

It was said with fondness for both parties, but as amusing as this turn of events was, it was another thing Maris had been hurt by on her return to New York.

"Kind of wish they told me though," she admitted.

Though most of Rory's friends who got together then broke up or anywhere in that category had the tendency to be her gay friends, it was always a shaky dynamic when someone (or someones) you really cared about found someone new. Sometimes it was vetting that their person was actually right for them, or fit into the group, or didn't give off serial killer vibes. Other times it was just hoping they were happy and that their chosen paramour wouldn't entirely steal them away.

It could be different altogether when two people close to you chose to give it a go. Rory knew there were some could-be classic worries there. That if they broke up, what would happen to the dynamic of all three of them? Rory knew how contentious they could be - playful or otherwise, and if feelings were involved... that could be trouble.

And then there was that Maris might not be there fully, thanks to time zones and difference, to temper their worse impulses.

Rory nodded, giving Maris a little squeeze and with it, holding her a little closer to her body. She smiled at Maris' conclusion about the pair, and really, her assumptions seemed spot on to what Rory knew about the two of them. "Could be a match, in that case,"

She nodded, quiet for a moment as she kissed the side of her wife's head. "I get that. Maybe they didn't want you to worry about it in case it didn't end up being something serious? Or maybe they just didn't want your sass about it." She teased gently, a small smile on her face as she kissed her wife's shoulder. It was hard though, being apart from their friends, from people who made up all of their lives before London. Then again, god did they need some friends here, too.

"We should have them come visit sometime soon. Separate or together. Then the interrogation can really take place."

Maris probably shouldn't have been that angry or even surprised that her friends hadn't filled her in on what was going on with them. She and Jenna were two peas in a pod, really.. The other woman was a lot like Maris had been before Rory and probably would still be if she hadn't found her again.

Relationships were rarely on Jenna's radar. She liked her freedom and the ability to keep her options open if someone did catch her interest. It really was a wonder she and Maris hadn't ended up in bed together at least once because they were exactly the sort of people who would be able to compartmentalize it as just something that happened without ruining their friendship, but Jenna had shot her shot all those years ago at college and Maris had been too caught up in her professor drama to really pay her any attention.

Eli was... different and frankly, the one who had hurt Maris the most. They were best friends and he occasionally did come to Maris for relationship advice. Even though he was bisexual, he did have a tendency to lean a bit more toward the fairer sex and honestly, who better to tell him what to do on that front than Maris, a woman who actually dated women?

Eli's career may have been hectic and demanding, but Maris knew he wanted a family, a house, the whole traditional white picket fence ideal.

Jenna was... not that, far too independent to be someone's wife, let alone a mother. Her profession meant that Maris and Elu had been privy to long rants about how anyone who had a baby was a complete "narcissi" thanks to an overpopulation problem.

This would only lead to trouble somewhere down the line and yet Maris couldn't bring herself to be too concerned about it and not just because she suddenly had bigger concerns thanks to her talk with her dad.

Both of them deserved to be happy. She wanted that for them now more than ever now that she couldn't see them as much as she liked.

Rory's suggestion meant that she could eventually and she did want her friends to see the new place outside of photos she'd shown them on her phone but...

"Not until the house is ready," Maris mumbled, burying under the covers in an effort to keep warm. She slipped a bit closer to Rory too. "Did you really just putter around like a Jane Austen heroine?" she asked, looking up at her wife as her fingertips idly danced across her arm.

Rory pondered for the moment how she would feel if Sarah had started seeing someone, much less someone she was friends with for a long time, and hadn't told her. Yeah, Rory would have been pretty pissed about a situation like that, too.

Jenna and Eli were two entities of Maris' life that she had to sort of balance just how they reacted to her when she came on the scene - both the first time, and the second time. She had been so wrapped up in wanting her girlfriend's friends to like her. It had taken her some time to realize that just loving Maris the way she did was enough, because really who mattered the most was the two of them. She'd admit even to Maris that she had been a bit intimidated by Jenna to begin with. Eli she always figured she could win over easier.

"Yes. Good call. I don't want another couple of brains weighing in on paint color choices." she chuckled, sliding in to fit together with her wife like they did, seamless under the covers. "I did, it was miserable. I didn't find an open field to stare at but I just sat by the window. Longing." She was honestly only half kidding.

In the interest of full disclosure however, there was one thing Maris didn't know. "I should have mentioned earlier, but I was distracted." And, well, her wife hadn't been answering her texts, but letting that one slide for now. "Our new doctor had an opening, so I went in for a checkup and tests this morning. Y'know for our next phase, when we want it." That sounded kind of ridiculous put like that, and she smiled softly, rolling her eyes at herself. "I thought I should jump at the opportunity."

"Oh?" Maris said, a hint of nervousness edging into her voice because she knew exactly what the next step was.

Or until the day before, was supposed to be.

On any other afternoon she would have been excited, proud of her wife for taking initiative in more ways than one because Maris had trouble getting hold of their new doctor for even quick, simple things like refills on her allergy and migraine pills. On any other afternoon she would have felt touched, emotional even that Rory was thinking and apparently serious about their future. Relieved that she wasn't the only one who let her thoughts drift to two people that didn't even exist yet even though she was more than content with everything she had in the present.

But today it felt like a ticking time bomb. Something she just wasn't ready for after learning just how ill equipped her mother had been for parenthood.

But Maris wasn't the only one who wanted to be a mother or even carry their children.

Her stomach suddenly tightened with worry with that didn't have anything to do with her sudden hang ups as she wondered if everything was okay and just how she would comfort her wife if she wasn't.

"Is everything alright?" she asked, automatically reaching out for her.

Rory was suddenly a little nervous about telling Maris, which was a pretty new sensation for her. It was less to do with saying it out loud, and more to do with actually taking those steps. Or potentially doing so. They were married, and making big life decisions together, but starting a family together really was an entirely different beast.

She didn't actually like going to the doctor without Maris, specifically this appointment. Sure she could go in all the time as needed by herself, but asking all those questions and taking all those blood tests with her doctor and without her wife present felt a little lacking. She knew that every step of the way beyond it, they'd do together. And she was excited. Their little dreams of family could, and maybe would sooner or later come to be. Rory wanted to be a mother, but never more so than after she and Maris found each other again.

She felt Maris' muscles tense, and took that as perhaps worry. Her fingers dragged softly through Maris' hair, soothing movements down the back of her neck as she leaned over and kissed her temple.

"Yes. I mean, normal." She nodded, looking up at the ceiling for a moment. "Whatever that means? It's all such a crapshoot in the end, when we're ready, but the doctor said all my tests came back normal, good even." She expelled a deep breath and kissed her wife's forehead again.

"It felt weird to do it without you though. I just wanted to make sure I got in when it was available."

Relief washed over her that the idea that Rory was alright, evident in Maris voice as she squeezed Rory's shoulder and whispered, "Good."

They were just fertility tests and if Rory had found out she had some kind of trouble, Maris knew they'd find some way to deal, but tests for one thing could always reveal something worrying for another so for a moment, Maris was just glad her wife was alright in general.

Then the implications of them having a green light if they wanted to go forward (at least on Rory's end) began to sink in.

A baby was a real possibility. And there was a real possibility that Rory would want to find out if Maris could have one too. It only seemed right, logical that she would go next after all. Especially following Maris' confession that she would like to go first.

But thinking about babies, genetics and everything that could go wrong was the last thing that Maris wanted to do. Her stomach knotted with some strange mixture of fear and almost disappointment that things were going to plan and she hated herself in that moment.

The Maris Rory had said goodbye to three days would have been ecstatic, relieved to know that things were probably going to be smooth sailing. She didn't want anything to be wrong with her wife, but... she found herself suddenly wishing for some sort of obstacle.

Something to stall because she wasn't ready anymore.

Maris desperately wanted to hit the brakes lest she end up in the same sort of train wreck her mother had. Christina had been so over her head and Maris felt that way now. Over the past few months, she thought their children come quickly enough, now her brain was scrambling for excuses to help them slow down.

"I'm amazed you got in," she said honestly. "It'll be probably be another year before she gets a chance to check me out."

And god, was it was a relief.

On some level, Maris knew Dr. Shapiro might be the answer to a lot of her current problems. An appointment with her might help answer a lot of questions she now had. What was postpartum? Were there signs? Could you be fine during pregnancy and just take a turn once the baby was out there and into the world? Perhaps most importantly, was it genetic? Even if it wasn't, how could she make sure she didn't get it but... it was all too much too fast.

And Maris' current funk had her feeling anything but proactive.

For now she was grateful their doctor's busy schedule meant she had to delay inevitable appointments and conversations. It was a wonderful excuse for a person who didn't often make them.

And usually hated people who did.

It was a weird thing to experience without her wife, but Rory hadn't even had the time to hesitate when the spot opened up. Finding new doctors in London was hard enough, and finding a good one who came highly recommended was even harder, considering how few people they knew here already - much less trusted.

The relief she saw on her wife's face made her smile softly, just a little blip of feeling very cared for - though Maris was really good at that in general.

Even though she knew Maris wanted to go first, Rory still wanted to make sure she was good. It was smart to actually know these things, especially as they began to want their future more and more.

But Rory knew something was wrong. The relief from her wife was felt, of course it was, but the something that had been nagging at the back of her mind roared to the surface as she gazed at her wife. Her own stomach twisted in some sort of fear, like she just didn't know exactly what was going on and that was maybe even worse.

"Yeah, maybe." Rory nodded, her tone a little distracted. She brushed her fingers through her wife's hair, an attempt to soothe Maris as much as herself. "Then again I thought it'd be about that long and it's been what, just about a month since we signed up for her waiting list?"

Rory was gentle in broaching the subject, trying to push at whatever resistance was coming from her wife. Her fingers gently tugged at the ends of her wife's hair, in an effort to catch her eyes as she looked over at her. "Nobody likes the doctor, but these women were lovely. Whenever they can get you in, it'll be good, right?"

Maris had no doubts the women in the office were lovely. Her first visit, a necessity because she needed someone to keep filling her usual prescriptions after the move had gone fine.

Dr. Shapiro was nice. She hadn't been too formal or even requested much in the way of tests which was Maris' #1 pet peeve whenever she went in for a check up. Sure, prevention was key and it was good to keep an eye on things, but who had the time or even with insurance, the money to keep running around from one appointment to another, especially if they had no complaints or red flags at present.

Rory had heard Maris complain about it before. It stood to reason that she could use it as an excuse now.

She settled for one that would have worked even before she talked with her father.

"Should we be getting too far ahead of ourselves?"

Even with the all clear on the fertility front (which Maris was pretty sure she was considering her period came every month like clockwork), she knew they couldn't get pregnant right away. Steps had to be taken. It wasn't as simple as just trying, one of the few things that had ever made Maris jealous of heterosexual couples. Money had to be considered.

One could argue that this was a reason she and Rory should do what they could, when they could so they had one less thing to do when the time finally came, but Maris was hoping Rory would think that she was overwhelmed by the logistics of it all rather than being ruled by emotions.

Mainly fear.

Besides, they were hardly in a place to start a family at present. The house was unfinished. Yes, it was their dream home and more than Maris had ever imagined for herself or even the two of them, but it was hardly up to the high standards she allowed herself to have once it was officially theirs. Floors needed to be redone, walls painted, rooms filled because they suddenly had more space than they knew what to do with. Maris wasn't about to let a child, their child come home to a place that wasn't entirely perfect. She wanted to give Keats and Jane the world and that world would be perfect too.

And a perfect world didn't include a mother that might actually resent them for coming into it. Even if it was temporary and through no fault of her own.

Rory didn't deserve that either.

Their jobs weren't secure.

Suddenly Maris wracking her brain for excuses, they were coming all on their own.

Rory hadn't been her wife for very long. They'd always said they wanted to take some time to enjoy each other and being married first. Even if everything went well, a baby would split their attention.

What if they became what she always feared? A sexless, tired couple that became roommates in the home they once shared and poured all their hopes and dreams into?

Maris was beginning to wonder why she wanted a baby at all.

"We have more important things to worry about."

Something was off. Rory could feel it in her bones by this point. Everything she'd put to the back of her mind thinking it was jetlag or just missing each other seemed to be devoid of excuses now. Maris' question made her heart lurch in her chest, even if it was an entirely valid thing to ask. They might be getting ahead of themselves, sure.

"I guess. But it's better to know? Or at least have an idea of what we're getting into."

Rory was anything but a meek person. She figured that by this point, that was one of the things her wife loved about her. While Maris often joked that she was the "nicer" one of the two of them, she could never been the type of person who just let things go. Character flaw or not, who knew at this point.

Yes, there were a lot of things that they should be focusing on. Their home, their jobs, traveling if they wanted to do that. Enjoying married life together. She'd always figured they wouldn't want to start a family within maybe at least a year of getting married. But there was still something to the way her wife was acting that rose a little panic in her chest. She wasn't saying anything entirely off.

It was just a feeling.

"We won't be getting pregnant tomorrow, Mar." She said softly, shifting a little bit as she rolled onto her back and raked her fingers through her hair. "I thought you'd want to know, even though I know you want to go first. I don't see it was less important. No pressure though."

When Rory's tone softened and she rolled away, Maris knew she fucked up.

Her first instinct was to lean forward and close the space between them, but Maris knew she'd hurt Rory's feelings and wasn't entirely sure she deserved to be close to her.

Maris did want to go first. She'd started them down this whole path, really. She had been the one getting misty eyed over nurseries and insisting that she wanted to have their baby first. She knew this would seem like an about face which would probably alert Rory to the fact that something was up, but she didn't want to talk about the conversation she'd had in New York.

She wasn't sure she'd fully digested it yet.

Or if she ever would.

"I know we're not," she said, her voice just as soft, not quite meeting Rory's eyes. "And I'm glad. You're alright. Because who knows? I may not be."

It was a warning. A hint that things might not be smooth sailing when things finally came to fruition. But it wasn't worry over actually being able to conceive. One of the many things her father had told her about her past was that she'd been unplanned.

Her mother had been able to get pregnant without even trying. She wasn't sure if genetics played any factor in fertility, but she figured it stood to reason that she would probably have an easy time of it too.

The idea that she had been an "accident" didn't phase her. She figured most people had been surprises to their parents.

John even said Christina had been excited.

At first.

And that was the part that really phased Maris.

She was excited about the prospect of motherhood. Or she had been until she realized how quickly that could change.

The last thing she wanted was for history to repeat itself. Not just for her sake, or the baby's.

She was worried about Rory. Her father had been stuck trying to pick up all the pieces and that was a burden Maris wouldn't put on anyone.

Especially the person she loved most.

Maybe it was the late hour, or could be blamed on it anyway, but something just didn't add up to Rory. She and Maris were so good at communicating, telling each other everything in that way she felt was rare even amongst other couples. But that communication came out of just being open to one another and then allowing them to come around on their own. Rory didn't like to put pressure on her wife, particularly when something was bothering her. She knew Maris well enough to know that she needed to do things on her own, and she'd bring Rory in when it was time.

Was she overreacting? Were they both just exhausted to the point where any hesitation felt bigger? It was a huge choice to make, starting a family. Rory didn't even want it right away either. But the more they talked about their little Keats and Jane, the more she felt like they were real, just waiting for them somewhere.

Her brow furrowed a little as Maris spoke, her gaze meeting up with hers again.

"Does it worry you that you might not be?" Rory was gentle in her ask, shifting back a little closer as her own genuine concern took place of whatever slight jilt she'd felt.

There was a lot of factors that would go into starting a family. They'd have to find a donor they liked (easier said than done, she assumed), they'd have to go over options. If they had to do injections, they'd have to get real good at poking each other with needles. Who knew what pregnancy would do to either of them, if it would take the first time or the first five times.

This was indeed a discussion they should have, but Maris' hesitance to talk about it made her think that something had set her off on this path of negative thought. But again, Rory wasn't going to push, she would just be open and willing to listen whenever Maris was ready.

"There are a lot of things that will go into this, you know? We can just take it one step at a time... no rush."

Rory's tone, the sentiment behind her question was so gentle and sincere that it made Maris' heart twist in her chest. It made her feel even worse for what happened next.

Maris did something she hadn't since they'd gotten married, or even back together again. She did something that had kind of ruined them in the first place because she had never wanted or even been okay with Rory moving to Maine in the first place.

She lied.

"No," she said softly, her stomach clenching the moment the word left her lips. "I'm just saying neither of us has a crystal ball, you know?"

She didn't really give Rory a chance to answer. Her teeth sank into her lower lip. Feeling guilty over what she had just done, Maris was only able to look at her wife for a moment as she said, "Sorry I'm... really tired. Maybe we should try and sleep?"